It's Fannnnnntastic....

I am now convinced that the NBA only exists so columnists can write things that make me laugh. This is so much fun I decided to just post the whole thing.

For about 20 of the NBA's teams, this is the time of year when things get really exciting. They're either pushing for a playoff spot, or already have one sewn up and are gearing up for their postseason run. Either way, the focus is entirely on the here and now.

For the league's bottom-feeders, however, summer can't come soon enough. And inevitably, talk of summer produces talk of free agency. So with visions of offseason glory starting to dance in the heads of the league's lesser lights, it's time to drag out a cautionary tale.

Remember, signing a player to a big-money deal isn't necessarily a good thing -- in fact, sometimes it can be downright disastrous. And until I started researching this story, I didn't realize just how bad it could get.

My task was to come up with the worst contracts in the NBA, and man, there are some doozies out there. Since the season is nearly complete, I'm approaching this task with a particular spin -- those players who gave the least for their team's money in 2006-07.

Amazingly, even though I extended it to include 25 players, it took a jaw-dropping lack of productivity to crack this list. Being merely overpaid wouldn't get you close -- "dead weight" is more what we're looking for here.

As it turns out, there are four different varieties of bad contracts. Thus, I've separated them by group and counted the worst in each category. The envelopes, please:


CATEGORY I: ALREADY WAIVED

These players are still getting paid by their former teams, even though a couple of them haven't suited up in ages. A few others are double dipping, cashing checks from both a former team and a current one.



1. Michael Finley, Mavericks ($16.1 million)
Contrary to what you might think, the worst-case contract scenario isn't paying a lot of money to a guy who can't play. It's shelling out for a guy who can play and then waiving him, allowing him to sign a below-market contract with your closest rival for the championship. That's the case for the Mavs, who are paying Finley superstar money to try to beat them as a Spur. Blame the luxury tax amnesty rule, which offered the Mavs so much savings that they couldn't afford not to cut Finley.



2. Brian Grant, Lakers ($14.8 million) and Celtics ($1.9 million)
Grant is getting paid by two different teams to sit at home and watch his dreadlocks grow. What a country. Chronic knee problems forced him to retire after delivering mighty little as a free agent in Phoenix a year ago (in fact, although the Celtics are cutting the checks, the Suns are the ones paying his salary), but that's a pittance compared to what he's getting from the Lakers.

L.A. made him a luxury tax amnesty cut in 2005 after his salary was included as ballast in the Shaquille O'Neal deal; the outlandish contract to pry him from Portland was originally cut by Pat Riley during his "let's wildly overpay for veteran role players" phase. Speaking of which …



3. Eddie Jones, Grizzlies ($14.9 million)
Riley made the Jones mistake the same summer he picked up Grant, but he's rebounded nicely -- Grant was converted into Shaq, of course, while Jones went to Memphis in the brilliant multiteam deal that netted Jason Williams and Antoine Walker.


Now Jones is back with the Heat while the Grizzlies are stuck with the tab.



4. Chris Webber, 76ers ($17.6 million)
They'll be paying C-Webb next season, too, after reaching a buyout agreement with him earlier this year. Worse yet, Webber miraculously healed as soon as he landed in Detroit.


But as a Sixer, he gave very little -- just 38.7 percent shooting and matador D in 18 contests.



5. Derek Anderson, Blazers ($9.7 million)
Anderson's body started to quit on him almost immediately after he joined Portland on a six-year, $48 million contract in a sign-and-trade with San Antonio. The Spurs got a pair of sharpshooting Steves who went on to announcing careers (Kerr and Smith), and best of all they didn't get stuck with the bitter pill of the final few years on this deal. Anderson ended up being an amnesty cut in 2005 and "won" a ring from the sidelines as a member of last year's Heat.



6. Vin Baker, Celtics ($5.2 million)
I almost hit the floor when I read this, but Baker -- whom Boston released in February of 2004 -- is still getting paychecks from the C's. He's due $5.2 million this year from the leftovers of his behemoth contract, which the Celtics tried to void in 2004 when they released him. The original contract was supposed to expire in 2006, but the two sides agreed to pay out a reduced amount over a longer time period.

Baker also had the privilege of being cut a second time, as the Celtics made him a luxury tax amnesty subtraction in 2005, even though he'd been gone more than a year. Nonetheless, his Boston money will supplement whatever pittance he collected in three appearances in November for Minnesota.



7. Aaron McKie, 76ers ($5.6 million) and Lakers ($2.5 million)
McKie was a luxury tax amnesty cut by the 76ers in 2005, but this didn't deter the Lakers from immediately giving him a two-year, $5 million deal. Unfortunately, this would have been one of those rare times where trusting Billy King's judgment would have been prudent, as McKie has been hobbled and all but worthless for L.A. Between the two bad contracts, he's collecting $8.1 million this year while appearing in 10 games.



8. Calvin Booth, Bucks ($6.6 million)
Booth's still getting the Bucks' bucks after they made him a luxury tax amnesty cut in 2005 -- just months after the Mavs had dumped Booth on Milwaukee in the Keith Van Horn trade.


He's also collecting checks from the Wizards as a third-string center, but he makes only the minimum in D.C.



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CATEGORY II: KNICKS

Despite a bevy of buyouts, the league's official dumping ground for bad contracts still has plenty of inventory:



1. Steve Francis, Knicks ($15.1 million this year; two years remaining after this one)
He can still be an impact player when he feels like it, but he's not exactly wowing his latest employers with his effort level.

A quick anecdote: Watching the Orlando-New York game on Monday night, I saw Orlando's J.J. Redick drift out to the 3-point line, catch the ball and calmly drain a triple with no pressure. Stunned, I hit rewind. My eyes didn't deceive me -- there was no screen for Redick, nor any kind of deceptive move or cut off the ball whatsoever. The man allegedly guarding him -- Francis -- just stood there and watched Redick walk out to the perimeter and shoot it.

On the next trip Francis stood like a statue on the weak side while Darko Milicic went down the middle for a screen-and-roll dunk. As I thought to myself, "If I was coaching right now, I'd call timeout just to yank the guy," Knicks coach Isiah Thomas did just that, inserting unheralded rookie Mardy Collins.

Quoth Thomas after the game, in his glass-half-full way, "I just felt [Mardy Collins would] give us more defensively." Um, yes, that's one way to look at it. Zeke just as easily could have said, "I felt a traffic cone would give us more defensively." Methinks there's another buyout in the Knicks' future.



2. Stephon Marbury, Knicks ($17.2 million this year; two years remaining)
He's a rarity on this list in that he still has a pulse, but Marbury's deal is so gargantuan and his reputation around the league so tattered that his deal is still radioactive. Besides, his numbers have dipped the past two years -- he's testing his career lows in scoring and shooting this season -- and they don't figure to get better over the final two years of his contract as he gets into his 30s.



3. Jerome James, Knicks ($5.4 million this year; three years remaining)
A spectacular bust even by the standard of recent midlevel exceptions, almost all of whom have been busts. James did have six points and two rebounds on Monday, but fantasy players shouldn't pick him up thinking he can provide the coveted 6-and-2 combo every night -- it was only the fifth time he's done it this season.



4. Malik Rose, Knicks ($7.5 million this year; two years remaining)
While Rose is still marginally useful as a fifth big man, he's a 6-7 frontcourt player who turns 33 in November, and he's shot 37.4 percent and 38.6 percent the past two seasons. Rose is the one truly bad contract the Spurs have inked in the past decade.


They unloaded their mistake, but it came at a price -- one of the draft picks from the Rose trade became David Lee.



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CATEGORY III: ALREADY-WAIVED KNICKS

Amazingly, there's enough overlap between the first two categories to produce a third one. The New Yorkers are paying nearly an entire salary cap to guys who haven't played a game for them this season, and that's without adding Francis to the list.



1. Jalen Rose, Suns ($14.6 million)
In a bizarre move, the Knicks bought out Rose less than a year after trading for him, granting the Raptors enough cap space to rebuild their Euro-roster and coming away with only a first-round pick that became Renaldo Balkman.


Had New York hung on to Rose's expiring deal, it might have been able to pry Pau Gasol from Memphis at the trade deadline. Now we'll never know.



2. Maurice Taylor, last seen with Sacramento ($7.5 million)
The veteran big man was well past his prime when Houston unloaded him on the Knicks in a baggage swap -- the Rockets got Vin Baker and Moochie Norris. Let's just say that trade left the league's balance of power unaffected. Like Rose, Taylor was bought out before the season and played 12 games in Sacramento before being waived in January; one presumes that was his last NBA stop.



3. Shandon Anderson, MIA ($7.2 million)
No, that's not a Miami abbreviation, that's "MIA" as in, "We can't prove that he's still alive." Nonetheless, he's collecting $7.2 million from the Knicks this year to do whatever it is he's doing right now.


But he better save up -- his contract expires this year, more than two years after his departure.



4. Jerome Williams, Madison Square Garden Network ($7.0 million)
At least the Knicks are getting something out of him -- he's working as a TV commentator. Also, Junkyard Dog was a luxury tax amnesty cut.


The other players on this list actually cost the Knicks double their contract amounts because of the league's dollar-for-dollar tax on high-payroll teams, which as you've probably guessed is a club the Knicks will belong to for some time.



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CATEGORY IV: STILL STUCK

These players' teams are still stuck with their contracts, and in every case but one there are multiple years left on the deal. Good luck unloading them now.



1. Kenyon Martin, Nuggets ($12.1 million, four years left)
Here's what I imagine Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke asking for the next four years. "Is it 2011 yet? No? OK, how about now? No? Um, how about now?"

Martin, who as far as anyone knows is the first player to undergo microfracture surgery on both knees, was a stretch at this dollar amount even if fully healthy. Worse, he gave the Nuggets just one good season before he started breaking down. But he'll be on the books through 2011 thanks to a sign-and-trade deal with the Nets that also also cost the Nuggets three first-round draft picks -- two of which the Nets flipped to Toronto in the trade for Vince Carter. Moreover, the cost of his deal effectively doubles next year, when the Nuggets will be well over the luxury tax line.



2. Raef LaFrentz, Trail Blazers ($11.5 million, two years left)
The Mavs' decision to give LaFrentz a seven-year, $70 million deal in 2002 was generous, yes. But it didn't seem like too obscene a stretch at the time -- people forget now, but he nearly led the league in blocks and was deadly from outside. But what Dallas didn't know was that LaFrentz's knees were about to betray him. He's only 30 now, but it's 30-going-on-90 -- LaFrentz is shooting 23.7 percent in 17 games for Portland.



3. Theo Ratliff, Celtics ($11.7 million, one year left)
Ratliff and LaFrentz were traded for each other this summer as a sidebar to the Sebastian Telfair-Brandon Roy deal. Getting one less year of dead-weight contract was a key reason Boston did it (though I'm guessing the Celtics would take it back if they could).

Nonetheless, I would argue that Ratliff's three-year, $36 million extension from the Blazers was the single worst contract decision of the current decade. At the time he was 31 with a bad hip and was already in severe decline, as anyone in Atlanta could have told them. But he played well for his first few weeks as a Blazer and his giddy new owners overreacted. Hampered by injuries, Ratliff played only two games this season, and that might be two more than he gets in a year from now.



4. Adonal Foyle, Warriors ($8.1 million, three years left)
Chris Mullin has inked some bad contracts in his time as Warriors general manager, but this one takes the cake. Foyle is a prince of a guy, but he's 32, can't score and will soak up over $25 million over the next three years while he lies on the outer fringes of Golden State's rotation. He could be a decent backup center for a team that played a more traditional style, but who would trade for his contract?



5. Larry Hughes, Cavaliers ($13.4 million, three years left)
As with Marbury, Hughes hasn't been horrible -- he just hasn't come close to justifying the dollar figure on his contract. I thought he'd rebound from a disappointing first season in Cleveland, but instead he's been even worse this season. Not only are his numbers down across the board, but he's also forgotten how to make a foul shot (65.6 percent). One bright side: The brittle guard is on pace for 69 games, his most in five years and nearly double what he gave a season ago.



6. Speedy Claxton, Hawks ($6.9 million, three years left)
Despite some warning flags (he's small, injury-prone and can't shoot), Claxton played so well for the Hornets a season ago that the Hawks gave him a four-year, $25 million deal. Oops.


Hampered by bad knees that eliminated his one skill, Claxton's per-minute scoring rate is less than half of what it was last season and he's shooting a ghastly 32.7 percent from the floor.



7. Danny Fortson, Sonics ($6.6 million, expires this year)
Armed with a bad knee and a worse attitude, Fortson has rarely been available for the Sonics this season.


But if you do see him on the court, don't blink -- at the rate he fouls he won't be out there for long. He's averaging nearly a hack every four minutes, and he's a turnover machine because he gets tagged with illegal screen violations so often. But give him this: The dude can still rebound.



8. Austin Croshere, Mavericks ($7.3 million, expires this year)
Sample Size 101: Like a lot of guys on this list, Croshere was paid based off one strong stretch of play (the 2000 Finals), despite a much larger body of work that was far less impressive. Not surprisingly, he's disappointed since.


He's shooting 35.2 percent as a deep sub for the Mavs this season, though he did have one glorious night when he exploded for 34 on the Sonics. But he has only four other double-figure games this season.



9. Eric Snow, Cavaliers ($6.1 million, two years left)
The summer of 2003 is precisely when things started going severely downhill for the Sixers -- they signed Derrick Coleman and Kenny Thomas (a narrow miss on this list) and gave Snow a multiyear extension for no apparent reason.


Thanks to that last decision, he's still earning midlevel money even though he's been a minimum-salary player for about three years now -- in that time, he's averaged 7.0, 6.6 and 7.0 points per 40 minutes. Ecch.

John Hollinger writes for ESPN Insider. To e-mail him, click here.

Alberto GONE-zales

Soon enough Alberto will be Gonzo, and then we can forget about a Supreme Court justice being nominated and approved by Republicans solely because he's latino. That's their thing.

But here's the thing about this whole crazy mess I haven't heard anyone say yet, and that's the timing of all these things. When John Ashcroft was AG he was clearly partisan, and all for suspending the rights of individuals in the name of terror. It's understandable, for he is/was a huge pussy. If you've seen him sing, you know this. However, Ashcroft was not a pushover, and was not as hacktacular as say Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove, or some of the other shills running around Washington.

Ashcroft was an accomplished person before becoming AG, having done things on his own long before Bush arrived. Granted, Bush sustained his career after he lost to a dead guy in his re-election bid, but still, he was accomplished. Gonzales on the other hand, not nearly as accomplished on his own, and still making his career. His meal ticket was/is the one Bush/Rove decided he should have, and therefore, he was just like the rest of the hacks. Say what you want about Ashcroft, but I believe he at least had his own mind, regardless of how fucked up it is. As for Gonzales, he was/is going as far as Bush wantas him to go, which means as far as Rove wanted him to go. This is why you have a situation where the AG can be swayed to get deeply involved in the politics, and not just any politics, election politics. Politics that Karl Rove cares about that can help create a Republican/Conservative majority.

I do not think a former Senator like Ashcroft would be willing to do the things Gonzales has done. Nor do I think he'd be swayed by an advisor like Karl Rove. Rove can sway Bush, so in turn he can sway Gonzales. This is why all of this started to take place under the second AG.

Rove has no shame at all so it's not surprising that he'd try to install his cronies throughout the government, for he's an advisor. It should be different for the Attorney General, but it's not of course in this case, because he is unqualified, and only there because of his ties to a fucking monkey.

So there's that.

Baghdad Blogged

Forget the "generals on the ground..." because the new standard for how things are going in Iraq are the BLOGGERS in BAGHDAD!!!

”They have bloggers in Baghdad, just like we’ve got here,” Bush told the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association.

Then he began to quote: ”Displaced families are returning home, marketplaces are seeing more activity, stores that were long shuttered are now reopening. We feel safer about moving in the city now. Our people want to see this effort succeed.”

Nice. Things ARE going well. And all of this time I've relying on those politicians and military personel who leave Iraq, and then tell the truth. Not Bush. Big blogger guy. Or, should I say, big on having someone in his administration read the blogs to him, since we've been told he doesn't read the papers. One cannot assume he reads BLOGS from Baghdad. Also, who is this unknown Iraqi blogger? One has to wonder, right? Well, you can read that blog right here. In fact, these two bloggers were fortunate enough to have met the President, which is probably why he reads their blog; they're friends!

It turns out, the White House made clear hours later, that he was quoting two brothers, Mohammed and Omar Fadhil. They write an English-language blog from Baghdad called IraqTheModel.com. Both of them got to meet Bush in the Oval Office in 2004.

Bush has a complete grasp on how the blogging community operates. It's a word of mouth thing. One friends tells another friend about his buddy who blogs, who then tells another person, and so on, and so forth. That's what Bush is doing. Two of his friends who he invited to the White House blog. They probably told him about this, so now he reads their site, like anybody else would do.

I think I'm going to start reading this blog. Afterall, think of the access! These guys can get into the White House! That's amazing.

So while Bush and the Republicans ignored the bloggers prior to the election of 2004, until they got their own community started, now they've embraced it at the highest levels. Forget the generals on the ground, the media in the Middle East. Bush is relying on two ever day, run-o-the-mill Iraqis, who just happen to have White House access, for his information. And I'm sure these two Iraqis are just like the rest of the bloggers in the world: independent writers, with no guidance except that of their own.

Reaganomics

SHOCKING!

About a month before his company filed for bankruptcy protection, the chief executive of Collins & Aikman, a maker of vehicle instrument panels and floor mats, made a last-ditch attempt for a loan.

The chief, David A. Stockman, the former Michigan congressman and budget director for President Ronald Reagan, got on the phone in early April 2005 with bankers from Credit Suisse. The parts supplier had about $110 million in liquidity, he told the bankers, according to court papers. He reassured them that his forecasts were sound.

But according to an eight-count indictment unsealed in court yesterday, that was not true: the company had already borrowed so much that it could not take on new debt without violating existing loan agreements. It had exhausted its credit.

Based on Mr. Stockman’s assurances, Credit Suisse gave Collins & Aikman $75 million. By May, however, all of it was gone. The board forced Mr. Stockman to resign and the company filed for bankruptcy protection five days later.

Mr. Stockman, 60, of Greenwich, Conn., and three others — J. Michael Stepp, the chief financial officer; David R. Cosgrove, the controller; and Paul C. Barnaba, director of purchasing — now face charges that include bank fraud and conspiracy and obstruction of justice.

I almost fell over with surprise.

Pat Tillman

I tell you, the guys working over at the Pentagon, they are special. Like Thomas Gimble, the man who answered questions about Pat Tillman's death in Afghanistan. A reporter said to him, "So basically they story you told us was fiction."

"Well, some things were true, and some things were false."

Yeah, this is definitely true.

It was Pat Tillman, he was in Afghanistan, and he is dead. Other than that most of what you were told is false. So yes, some things were true.

This story just falls into that category of "Protect the Military in Order to Protect the Administration." There's no other way around it. If this had been anyone else, even if it had been Kevin Tillman, Pat's brother, who was with him in Afghanistan, the story about what happened would have come out much more cleanly. Although, I am operating under the assumption that they actually tell the truth sometimes. But based on the stories they do tell us, again, had it been anyone else we'd have a story closer to the reality.

I file this under the PMOPA category because it fits into the grander scheme of having to sweep under the rug any bad news which could derail President Bush winning a second term. Just like the "Mission Accomplished" bullshit, and everything else they lie about, it all gets back to painting a rosey picture, even when the families involved are calling out the leaders of this retarded war. Cindy Sheehan was easily painted as an enemy of the troops, but it would have been harder to paint Pat's father as such, so they just lied and ignored it. Afterall, if Superman died in the military by friendly fire how bad would that make us look? Pretty bad. Yet lying about it, of course, makes it look so much worse. But now Bush is President again, so it doesn't really matter. Now it's actually a distraction from all the shit going on within the White House! Had they had bad news on Tillman 2 years ago this would be a totally different situation.

Isn't it so apparent that these people support the troops? These pussies, they support troops. The guys who ran from the wars, they support the troops. It's the guy who threw his medals over the fence...he's the pussy. Riiiiiight.

Our Bad

Remember, you must support the troops, every last one of them. Because every soldier is awesome, and every person who overseas other soldiers is equally as awesome. Especially the soldiers who lie about the death of another soldier in order to avoid a bad public image. Odds are, the soldiers responsible for that are high up on the chain, but still, should be supported...because after all, they are troops...so they deserve support...because you have to support the troops...every troop...every time...no matter...troops...support em...even when the families of the dead don't...still, support 'em...the troops...s...u...p...p...o...r...t...

America

On this day when more news about Pat Tillman has come out, I found this article from last week that really speaks volumes about many Americans.

Joey Dorsey

Before

University of Memphis forward Joey Dorsey says he rooted for Ohio State to beat Xavier and Tennessee so he could face 7-foot center Greg Oden today.

"This is the game I wanted," said the 6-9, 260-pound junior. "I'm an underrated big man, and he's a lot overrated as a big man. It's going to be a great rebounding game for me."

"I'm going to have a 20-rebound night because Coach (John Calipari) said this was going to be my breakout game," Dorsey said. "We watched tape this morning and last night, and (Oden's) a lot like me. If he gets his head out of the game, he easily can pick up a couple of fouls. Then he stops playing and then he picks up a foul trying to play too hard."

After

While Dorsey was basically a non-factor, Oden — who also finished with four fouls — had 17 points and nine rebounds in 24 minutes.

“I tried to contain him,” Dorsey said. “I didn’t know he was that strong. I tried to keep a body on him every time he tried to make his move. He just came with a counter.”

Dorsey = 0 Points, 3 Rebounds AND 1 Loss...