the Goddamn Patriots, Again...

Honestly, it really is hard not to want to grab that silver spoon attached to Robert Kraft's anus, and ram it all the way up his body until it comes out one of his eyes. It really is hard.

And no, it's not because his mother obviously married Dr. Manhattan and that the spoon flows through his rectum like a hot knife through pork belly fat. No, that's not it at all.

I'm serious! Just because he grew up a Giants fan, and wanted to own a team; now he does because that's what Ricky Schroeder wanted from a dad like Kraft. Not at all.

No.

It's because this prick drafted Tom Brady in the 6th round, and ever since he made those 5 prior mistakes he has been blessed by the football Gods in ways which are unfair. Clearly.

Part of me wants to believe the 31 other football owners are the biggest collection of douchebags to ever walk the Earth, so Kraft has been given up a leg-up. I want to believe this because in this alternate universe it all makes sense to me. It does. How this smarmy little troll can keep winning, getting all the cash, and then ending up with all these great draft picks is beyond me. The others must suck so much more royally in proportion to Kraft, I should almost be thanking him for the simple way in which he did it: go to good college, marry rich, own companies, buy team, draft Tom Brady, don't cheat on your wife.

That's it.

Man oh man, I hope I have a son.

In other news...

Did you see the Patriots draft picks? If you haven't, let me break it down for you. I watch more college football than any man should, and my girlfriend will attest to this. I mean, she could be spend her time getting laid on Saturday (if she wasn't yelling at Coach Richt), but instead, I'm watching ball...all day...every Saturday (and Thursday...yes, ACC, C-USA, and Big East, I watch you too).

From the top:

Nate Solder. I'll admit, I saw the Colorado Buffaloes play once, and they got CRUSHED by Oklahoma. There was no talk of Nate Solder, or Jimmy Smith, or anyone else but Ryan Broyles. Ryan Broyles. Ryan Broyles. Landry Jones. Ryan Broyles. Ryan Broyles. Landry Jones. Ryan Broyles.

So I have no idea if Nate Solder is good, or if Jimmy Smith is good. I don't. I don't remember Cody Hawkins getting sacked much, but I also don't remember him on the field much. And I have a good memory.

As far as the Patriots first pick, their 6'10" OT, I have no idea. But I'm gonna GUESS he'll be good.

Moving on...

...to the OTHER first round pick the Patriots had.

They trade it, for more picks...

So in the second round they took Ras-I Dowling.

Yes, that is his name. Read it again, Ras-I, and yes, that's still his name.

He can play football. I'm a Giants fan. We took Prince Amukamara, on the day of the Royal Wedding, yet I'd still rather have Ras-I.

Why?

Cause he's lean. He's a lanky, fast, athletic CB, who can make plays, and is fast. He's not lean like Antonio Cromartie, but he moves as fast because he's not carrying 8 unnamed children.

Dowling can ball.

My best friend's father played football at UVA, and every summer before the season starts, and right around that first game, I am forced to talk Cavalier football. So I make sure I'm prepared.

Virgina has athletes. Hampton Roads kids. The roads that produced Iverson and Vick, etc. They just happen to suck at football because the school gets all Thomas Jefferson on your ass, and wants to be all smart.

Ras-I Dowling will win a Superbowl, for the Patriots. Snagged.

Shane Vereen.

Have you seen him play football?

He played for Cal. "Cal" is short for University of California. That's short for the University of Brazil. Why? Because Brazil is ginormous, filled with the most athletes on the planet, and yet the economy of California is bigger than Brazil.

Does this mean anything? Not really. Only to say that California is HUGE, and all of the kids playing football in that state. At USC, UCLA, Fresno, SDSU, San Jose State, Stanford, , everywhere..Cal's starting running back is Shane Vereen.

Previously they had Jahvid Best, Justin Forsett, and Marshawn Lynch. All at worst serviceable backs in the NFL, and at best, real talents. Serious ballers.

And yes, Vereen is smaller than all of them, but he has great hands, great feet, great vision, and is tough. Reminiscent of?

Uh huh. Kevin Faulk. He went to school where Stevan Ridley did. But we'll get to that.

Vereen is not an "every down back", but he will play more downs than half the RBs picked before him. He runs hard, he can catch, he's shifty, and can make plays on 3rd down. Another great Patriots pick.

Not picking for potential, but picking for what works. Vereen will work.

Then there's Stevan Ridley. I mentioned him a moment ago.

I fell in love with Ridley sometime during the last game of his sophomore year. LSU was playing Arkansas, and for whatever reason he was in the game.

The kid ran like an animal. Then I watched him early in the 2010 season, when he became the starter, and it was no different. He ran into holes like a fucking cannonball...yet he had good feet and decent vision. I thought of OJ Anderson of the Giants.

I remember thinking, "I love him. Why is he a no name from LSU?"

Now he's on the Patriots.

And then, just to be huge douchebags. Just to be the team that bothers you that much more. Just to make you suffer every second, if you're a player waiting to be picked; without consideration for your family, yourself, anything. Just to piss you off to no end, what do the Patriots go and do?

They take Ryan Mallett, Quarterback, Arkansas, ONE PICK after taking Stevan Ridley.

Who is Stevan Ridley?

Who fucking cares?!?!?

No one cares about Ridley! He's not relevant (even though he'll have a solid NFL career)!

No one cares!

But?...

They make Ryan Mallett sit there and listen to the analyst douchebags talk about Stevan Ridley to the Patriots. They make him wait a couple more minutes. "Just sit there, son, and wait for it...wait for it...No. Wait for it..."

"Now we're ready..."

"With the 9,431,55second pick, the New England Patriots select..."

"...Ryan Mallett...quarterback, Arkansas..."

In his mind he's already thinking, "they don't want me. How could they want me?"

And yet the do. They want you. To learn behind Tom Brady. To take that cannon of yours into the Foxboro wind, and learn behind Tom Brady. They want you.

And there he is Ryan Mallett, the guy with the best arm IN THE NFL. Totally bummed.

Until he realizes, "I'm gonna learn from Tom Brady, and then I'm gonna fuck shit up. You'll regret passing on me."

Yep, he's in the NFL, and has the BEST ARM in the NFL.

I know people criticize Mallett's mobility. I know they question his attitude. I know all that.

But the attitude thing is now done. He's on Brady's team.

Give the kid a couple of salsa lessons and he's good to go with the feet.

Ryan Mallett is a NFL QB, period.

He has a rocket arm.

He's not Dam McGuire.

He was the best pocket passer in the NFL-Minors, aka, the SEC.

At Michigan he learned the offense in a second. He did the same thing at Arkansas with an average team and carried them to the Sugar Bowl.

Does he have some douche in his blood? No Doubt. But doesn't every NFL QB? I mean, I've met Jim Kelly. That guy's a huge douchebag. Ever look at Brett Favre? How is Mallett different than Favre? NFL QB is often the Douche.

The goddamn Patriots.

Remember this draft.

Remember that Bob Kraft banged a rich girl, got married, luckily drafted Tom Brady, and then woke up on the bottom of a rainbow.